Shane McDonald Facebook pixel

The Ultimate List of the Best Jokes & the Worst Jokes

This is the Ultimate List of the Best Worst Jokes. It is a long list of bad jokes so bad that they are actually funny. Some might say these are the Best Jokes. These include some great one-liners, the best type of joke – quick and painless.
Enjoy!


Man : “Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”

Doctor : “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

Man : “Is it common?”

Doctor : “It’s not unusual.”


Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly
“I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly
“It’s true, straight up no bull!”


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What?Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s bloody heavy.”


Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.

“What can I do to get it out?” he asks pathetically.
“Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head” replies the Doc.
“How the bloody hell will that help?”
“Easy”, replies the Doc, “When the chocolate cools it should come out a Treat…..”


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctorsaid, “Your hearing is perfect!Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. …

… I’ve changed my Will three times already.


A pregnant woman from rural Ireland was in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she finds she’s no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you’ve had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother Paul from came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks him, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! … What’s the boy’s name?”

 

“Denephew.”


A young chap strolled into his living room one afternoon with a chair under each arm and a settee on his back. Shocked, his father asked,”Where in the hell did you get that?!”

“Off an old man down the park,” replied the boy.

Immediately, his father jumped up and walloped him in the mouth.
“What was that for?!” screamed the lad in pain.

“For Gods sake!” shouted his father.

“What did I tell you about taking suites from strangers?!”


Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rainforests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition.

After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300 foot long dead dinosaur.

The scientist can’t believe his eyes. “Did you kill this dinosaur?” he asks.

“Yep,” replies the rainforest native.

“But it’s so big and you’re so small! How did you kill it?”

“With my club,” the primitive fellow answered.

“How big is your club?”

“Well, there are about 100 of us…”


An local man and his wife were stopped for speeding in the gaeltacht.

“Cad is ainim duit?” said the Garda

“Sean” the man replied – (replying in Irish since he was in the gaeltacht.)

“Agus do bheann?”

“Toyota Hiace”


Little Mary, aged six, was in the back garden of her Limerick home, filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence.

In his friendly way he asked: “What are you up to, Mary?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Mary tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbour said, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Mary patted down the last heap of earth and replied, “That’s because he’s inside your damned cat.”


Paddy took his lovable, fluffy Saint Bernard to the vet. “Doctor,” he said, “I need you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet was appalled: “Why should I do such a terrible thing?”

Paddy said: “Because my mother-in-law’s coming for Christmas, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”


Q: How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled “coping with darkness”


Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it’s probably screwed in too tight.


Q. Why did Piglet stare into the toilet?
A. To look for “Pooh”.


Q. Why could the pony not talk?
A. Because he was a little hoarse


Q. What sits at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A. A nervous wreck.


Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: With a look over your shoulder.


Q. How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Please…replacing low-cost units designed primarily to emit photons in the visible electromagnetic spectrum is easy.


Q. What goes “ha ha ha, plop”?
A. Someone laughing their head off.


Q. How do you get 1,000 Pikachus on a bus?
A. You poke ’em on!


Q. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny


Q. When do cannibals leave the table?
A. When everyone’s eaten.


Q. What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A. The cold shoulder.


Q. What is a cannibal’s favourite game?
A. Swallow the leader.


Q. Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food?
A. He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.


Granddad comes home from his doctor and, though usually quite active with his grand-children, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day. His son notices his dad avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.

Immediately the old man whisks his medicine prescription out of his pocket and hands it to his son.
The Gradnfather said, “Read that label. That’s why!

The son takes the bottle and reads,

 

"Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."

 

 


Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted


A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”


Dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
“Pint please, and one for the road.”


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”


Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”


Answer phone message
“….If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key….”


Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom boom!


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, ‘no, the steaks are too high.’


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,”Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.


I went to a seafood disco last week…. and pulled a muscle


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly ;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that
You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


 

 

I hope you enjoyed this long list of the Ultimate List of the Best Worst Jokes.
If you did please share the Best Jokes list using the sharing widgets on this page.

 

Click Here to return to the Jokes Section

%d bloggers like this: